


I Could Hope for a Better Day

by haycorn



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, you know how I do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 07:19:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8835418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haycorn/pseuds/haycorn
Summary: In which Yuuri tries to make Victor come to terms with not trying to fix the unfixable.  Post-ep7.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from City and Colour's "The Death of Me."

The Cup of China is over, the bags are packed, and they are back in the hotel room.  Victor prattles on and on, moving about the room as he discusses choreography and jump placement and a thousand other minutia, and Yuuri is going with it, letting it slide past him, registering what he needs to.  He’s so, so tired and the adrenaline high is wearing off and he’s starting to wonder if it was all a dream.  Did he really get silver?  Did he really try a quad flip?  Did Victor really kiss him?

 

It’s just about all he can think about, partially because he’s spent ten years dreaming of his idol’s lips but mostly because his brain is having the time of its life analyzing every possible implication and that’s just easier right now than the rest of this, the knowledge that he’s never going to win for Victor like this and he is  _ is never not going to be like this. _

 

It’s the main thought in his mind when Victor changes tacks, and he catches the words “And of course, when we build up your confidence and stop this panic…” and he freezes.  

 

He thought he’d cried himself out in the parking lot, but apparently not.  He tries to swallow hard past the ache in his throat.  “That’s the thing,” he said quietly.  “This is who I am.  What you saw today, that’s who I am.   I’m not...you can’t just talk me out of it or teach me to… to believe in myself or whatever.  I’m actually a lot better than I used to be.  This is me doing well.”

 

Victor stops lounging artfully against the wall to take a step towards Yuuri.  “So, every competition, you are like this?”

0

He shrugs.  “Not all of them.”  It’s too much, and he doesn’t want to have this conversation but he can’t let Victor go on with the illusion he can magically fix Yuuri.  He fixes his eyes on his knees where he sits cross-legged on the bed.  “It feeds itself.  I get nervous that I won’t win because I’m not good enough, and then I get nervous that I won’t win because I’m nervous and,” the tears are coming back, “I just turn into a mess.  I’m a mess.”

 

Victor’s fingers brush his cheeks, touching the damp trails.  “But you skated wonderfully.  You should be proud.  Did I make it worse by kissing you?”

 

Yuuri had been prepared for empty comfort, not analysis.  He blinks mutely at Victor.  “No?  You made it...I liked it.”  And oh, that was an excellent, mature answer.  “It was so good but I...I don’t….”  His voice breaks.  “I don’t know what you want from me.”

 

“I want,” and Victor is close, voice low, breath hot on his face, “whatever you want to give me.”

 

“I don’t have anything to give!”  The words tear out of him, and he is sobbing full-out now.  “This is it.  This is the best I can do.   Second place.  I can’t….I  _ can’t _ …”   
  


Victor retreats slightly, and Yuuri bites down on a moan of despair.  But Victor is just sitting down on the bed, back against the headboard.  He holds his arms open to Yuuri.  “Come here.”  Yuuri turns slowly towards him, unsure, but the moment he is within range Victor has his sleeve and tugs.  Yuuri lets himself be pulled over, arranged to Victor’s liking.  He curls his knees up to his chest between Victor’s spread legs and buries his hot face in Victor’s shoulder.  Victor’s arms tighten around him.  “I think this is what I should have done earlier today.”  His voice is easy, almost conversational.

 

Yuuri can’t help but laugh between hitching breaths.  “I don’t think we could cuddle in a parking lot.”

 

Victor ignores him.  “I thought I could cheer you out of it.  But that isn’t what you needed.  I’m sorry I didn’t understand that.”  His fingers come up to comb through Yuuri’s hair.  “I’ll do better.  See?  We will help one another improve.”  

 

Yuuri should resent that, the implication that this will happen again and again, but it is the truth as he has presented it.  If Victor is in it for the long haul--and it’s hard for even Yuuri to deny that he certainly seems to be-- this will happen again.  His breathing starts to even out.  “We could practice?” he offers weakly. 

 

“Why Yuuri,” and Victor’s voice is so bright now, “are you offering to sit in my lap when you aren’t crying?”  

 

He’s blushing, but he’s smiling too.  “Maybe.”  He lifts his head slightly to look at Victor, who grins back at him.  It emboldens him.  “I definitely want to help you get better.”  

 

Victor laughs and kisses him, slow and gentle and sweet.  “Truly, I think you may end up being the better coach in this relationship.”  Two more kisses, one to each swollen eye.  “But for now, could I ask you for a favor?”

 

Yuuri is gone for this man.  “Anything.”

 

The hand in Yuuri’s hair slides down to cradle his head as Victor guides him to lay against his chest.  “Would you try to sleep for me?”  

 

Yuuri tenses.  “Like this?”

 

Victor starts to rub his back in slow circles.  “Just like this, unless you are uncomfortable.  Of course, if you can’t sleep, that is fine, some people need their personal space to sleep.  But would you try?”

  
“Okay.”  Because it occurs to him now that he did not sleep last night, and he skated his heart out and cried twice and his coach kissed him in front of everyone and he is exhausted.  Victor’s heartbeat is steady under his ear, and he thinks, okay, if this is on offer he’s going for it.  If what Victor wants is to take care of him, he can happily be taken care of.  Victor hums into his hair, and at first Yuuri thinks it’s a lullaby and then realizes it’s “Stay Close to Me,” and that should be funny but it’s perfect.  It’s enough to put all else out of his mind so he can just...rest.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know, you guys. I could barely write a comment and then these skaters boys showed up to camp out in my heart.


End file.
